After four days of being completely shut down and being numb and neutral,
I can feel two competely different dimensions contrasting in my own physical body. It feels greatly uncomfortable.
It is being right versus being happy. It is control vs letting go. It is manipulation vs. radical acceptance. It is judgment vs compassion, it is injustice vs. perfection, it is possession vs non is yours, it is trying to make it right for others vs handing back responsibility… The list goes on.
Duality and Oneness are both present, and I can feel my body struggling to surrender and trust Oneness. I have not had a hyperactive mind in a long long time, had almost forgotten the mind could be so active. Wow, right now it is switched on with full force. Trying to find ways out of a seemingly impossible situation. Trying to find strategies. Strategies of manipulation, of control, of being right etc… I am impressed by all the stories and justifications it can come up with. It shifts back and forth between victimhood, and getting back into control.
Duality… flipping between the polar opposites. The mind does not know there is a third way.
It all started when we left Cornucopia, where we thought we had finally a place to settle after all the tiresome moving around. We were able to live with little interaction with the old dimension, and did not need much in terms of resources. We could be creative, we started dreaming big dreams for humanity into embodiment and manifestation.
And then winter came way too early. We left into the unknown again, direction South. We were pulled all the way down to Florida, where living is expensive and not much untouched nature is available. We did not understand why we are here, we still don’t know.
Everything became so expensive, the funds we had received thanks to beautiful souls sharing with us just melted away very quickly.
Difficulty with creating resources has been a life long pattern and struggle for me. Even now, where I know nothing I do is for “me”, as “me” is no one else but “you”, it is all “us”, this pattern just keeps repeating. I always had to work hard in life to make a living. It was always a big paradox that everyone loved and appreciated my creativity, my talents, my inspirations, my ideas, my ways of doing things. I received so much appraisal and great feedback in my business life, and thousands of messages sending love and light and gratitude in my spiritual life,
but it was never reflected in my “return”, be it my salary, my sales numbers, donations…
I fell into the trap of feeling used again and again. Everytime I tried to negotiate, to market myself, to stand up for myself, I got an instant slap into the face, and it got worse.
Back to Florida, where all of this life review was handed to me to look at it and to write this text.
We had booked an airbnb in Miami. It sounded impossible, a whole small simple house for the five of us and the dogs for 100 USD per night.
I had funds left to pay for four nights, the owner I spoke to on the phone seemed nice, too.
When we arrived, we had to find out that the shower and toilet were broken, and the kitchen was not equipped. The owner was out of town and could not take care of anything. So we sat in a non-functioning house during Hurricane Eta.
And there I was. Playing the old game of being right, being entitled and get the owner to either let us stay longer after the repairs, or refund the money to us. Moving to a different location was impossible, because we had no more funds.
I acted out of a lack and survival pattern.
He did not react in terms of giving us any compensation, until we had left. He turned it around on me. He informed airbnb that we had broken the shower and the toilet, and that we left the house like a mess. He wanted 1500 USD as a compensation.
After a first shock, I sat with it. What is this doing for me? What am I not seeing? Why am I creating this?
That is when I could see it, all that I just wrote. The separation, the entitlement, the need to be right, the trying to control, the manipulative behaviour.
I broke down, I cried. Lifetimes of control and being controlled, use and being used flooded out of me. I am still going through waves.
I don’t know what the outcome will be. It does not matter anymore. I’ve learned what I needed to learn from this. All I know is I am grateful for this mirror, he showed me how I was trying to be cheap and trying to get my way. I could integrate him as a part of ‘me’.
It is never just one sided in duality, it is always both sides synchronizing with the same pattern, and dancing the dance.
The mind cannot see there is a third way.
The way of the heart. From neutrality. The zero-point of here and now. The full faith in our inner compass, and that everything happens for us. That we are creating our own experience.
Being comfortable with not knowing, not having, not seeing.
I am practicing to just stay in the moment despite all the chaos around me. Pulling my mind back again and again, when it wants to escape into strategy and projection. I am crying a lot, which is a relief.
I don’t know what is next. I don’t need to know. I have let go of life in the old ways. Everything seems very empty and meaningless, including “me”. I let Source work through me, I have no personal interest in or attachment to life anymore. It feels good. No more control, no more manipulation, no more having to be right.
I feel happiness expanding while the old is released.