The past weeks, I have gone on a deep dive of many contemplations on my life experience so far, uncovering a deep seated self-sabotage pattern, that was physically sitting in my back – especially in the L1/L2 area and the C3 area. I went through cycles of incredible pain, affecting the whole nervous system with electric shocks, while at the same time often being incredibly tired and exhausted. This pain has been there for a long time – ever since I left Amsterdam, which I consider the last place where I felt at home. With leaving Amsterdam, I left the core stability of life I had built for myself, to embark on the adventure of co-creating the new with people in Brazil who had lots of resources and land available. It was the beginning of a permanent triggering of my survival mechanisms, especially related to home, money, and mobility. 

I had stopped my own business of coaching and retreats, to be fully focused on this new endeavour. And, without being aware of it, I headed into a big co-dependency set up. We could either compromise to be safe, or go back to Europe and end up with nothing: No home, no car, no incomes. Ending up with nothing was what happened, and ever since, we kept trying to find the way of how we can build the new. With going to Brazil, the idea (and with it unconsciously the belief) had formed, that we need to get people together in community to start creating and building the new. 

Non of our attempts, neither in Brazil, the US nor Europe were going into much creativity. They all ended up being intense, beautiful learnings about human dynamics and served us a lot of group triggers to be able to release what no longer serves. It showed us so much about our inner world, patterns and emotions. And I would not want to miss a thing. The insight of seeing what is actually in the way to co-exist and live in harmony and a completely new way was priceless and worth all the pain: It is nothing else but our own individual and collective human conditioning and programming. There simply is no way to force it, to teach it, or to make it happen. Each individual human being is going through their process at their own speed, and there is no guarantee that this transformation will happen in one lifetime. We just need to let be and let live, and keep focusing back onto our own being and doing. 

I realized, now being back here in Europe in a more stable environment for now, that the new will not start with community. I was flabbergasted, but I could feel the truth in it. 

Yes, we want community, because we don’t want to do it alone, and we don’t want to be alone. And at first sight, it seems so much easier to do it together. But reality is different. The human gets in the way.  If we have not truly transcended all of our conditional beliefs and patterns (and so many of them are subconscious!) we will always end up in old conditional patterns and behaviour. We will have to implement old control methods again, be it conflict management, schedules, rules, etc. We are simply not ready to live together in a completely new, unconditional way. It is nobody’s fault, it is evolution. 

As wonderful, amazing, and insightful the experiments in the USA were – they brought us back to Europe empty-handed again, and into another set-up of co-dependency that offers us a place to stay for now. The books I wrote and the video tutorials I offer on contribution basis on my website, plus some financial contributions we receive regularly and unregularly sum up monthly to around 650 USD (550 EUR) for two adults and two dogs of which around 100 USD are going right into operating costs of our websites and creative tools. I am not sharing this to evoke any pity, or to shock, I am sharing this to be transparent, open and honest, especially with myself, and to admit that I have not yet created a healthy in and outflow, to live the simple life I feel to live: To share my gifts, to live in nature with no fences for the dogs or us, to write more books, and to co-create, share and prototype the new ways, with people who share such a vision and idea of life. 

I am also being brutally honest with myself that I am no longer in any way interested in continuing my life journey living the way I lived ever since I left Amsterdam. I know it was necessary, but I also know it is done, and there is nothing more to explore or to expand. I am looking deep within, I am owning and taking full responsibility for what I have created up to now. Although I don’t have clarity yet on what is next, I do know, this cycle is ending. 

I had truly believed if I shared my wisdom unconditionally and abundantly, it would take care of „me“, too. 

The paradox is, of course, it did! I always had my basic needs covered. And I learned and expanded so much! I have slept under the stars, in deserts, forests, on beaches and mountains, in snow, and we’ve had so many amazing adventures together with other brave souls who shared part of the journey with us. It has been incredible, and heart connections were created that are made of infinity. I am so grateful for every single moment of beauty and intensity shared. Although it brought us to the edge many times. It was authentic and true and unconditional love was the common denominator. 

I just could not see until now, that subconsciously, I still had a conditional co-dependent pattern running of „if this…. then that“. I still expected somehow that people who followed and loved what we were doing, would support us to be able to keep going and keep it growing for the benefit of us all. But somehow, money only showed up when we shared about our difficult situation, when it looked like we needed to be saved. It never showed up for what we were actually creating, sharing and offering to the world. We just did not come from a place of purity, joy and prosperity yet. The lack patterns sit so incredibly deep, that even the harsh survival triggers I had experienced on the US adventure, living in a tent for almost a year could not get to the bottom of it yet. 

I knew there was something in me that kept distorting the flow, and I knew I needed to let go of all the co-dependent structures I had created  on social media. And I did. I disappeared. I made a new profile, and I no longer was interested in any followers, I was interested in true friends who are mutually interested in each others essences, and are actually in a permanent equal exchange. The number of people I interact with has downsized immensely, and I have become very selective with whom I share energy with. I just needed to stop, and take my own space to go onto this deep inner exploration. 

Now back to my back 🙂 Sitting with the pain, and feeling into it, reading about it, I could truly understand that this related exactly to the issues I had manifesting in repetitive loops in my life: The C3 neckpain blocking the translation of all the inspirations and ideas into physical action and manifestation, and the L1/L2 area representing a gap in my core stability related to income and home. It is closely linked to the self-sabotage of „If I am myself, something bad will happen“ (I will not survive, I will not be taken care of, I will not be understood, I will not be valued, I will not be loved etc.) 

It was a shock for me to see it so clearly, and that up until here, I had been creating my reality with that distortion. I thought I had been sharing unconditionally, but I had not. Although subconsciously, I had still expected something in return. There was still an attachment out of survival fears. 

Ever since I could see it, creativity started to flow like never before. Together with Agustí, we have been bringing so much on paper, and have been completing the blue prints and concrete implementation steps without any effort. It has been such an easy, fun and beautiful flow, and it just keeps coming with more and more details. Will we ever see it come into physical form? I don’t know. I have let go once more, and I know that what we are doing is so much bigger than what I had considered to be „me“. 

Once more, I have put myself in the corner with seemingly no way out. No car, no other place to go to. It is perfect, because it really gives me the space and time to truly sit with myself. No distractions. Deep breathing. Conscious body movements and stretches. Listening carefully to the body intelligence and what it needs. Focused on what is right here right now. Healing the back- and neckpain, and unraveling the trauma of self-sabotage further, traveling the inner planes. I am allowing myself to viscerally feel the self-doubt related to the self-sabotage to alchemize it, and to allow the integration of the value I contribute to the whole into my entire physical being.

*Absolicious ART by geralt